Yesterday Elijah was able to play with a friend without having social anxiety. Jo'el is from Elijah's class at school and is one of Elijah's favorite playmates. We went to see Kung Fu Panda with Jo'els mom and baby sister and then they came over to play afterward. In talking with Jo'els mom we discovered that we experience a lot of the same social hardships with our special sons. Much of the time our boys are either picked on or ostracized by other children due to their super-sensitivity and highly over-reactive behaviors. Parents inadvertently excuse their own childs behavior because what is really happening isn't easy to see or understand. Social and emotional delayed children do not naturally acquire skills as a normally developing child does. They need to be taught the very skills that other children figure out through the developmental stages. This requires an active and conscious effort on the part of all children and adults in a special needs child's life. A lot of modelling, cueing, prompting done with patience and love; as well as modifications like recognizing when a child is approaching their overwhelmed point and giving them some quiet alone space to calm down for a little bit. Of course our special needs children are more comfortable in an environment with less children who are all familiar and that is very structured. However, that's not the reality of life. We can't keep our kids secluded like that or they will never learn the strategies that will help them be successful in their adult lives. As a parent of one special child, I find myself in a catch 22 because I can't require Elijah by force to socialize appropriately and I can't punish him for the social mistakes he makes either. Special needs children can be very difficult to discipline. It upsets them even more when we get mad at them confusing their brains and working them up even more - ineffective. So although Elijah and other children like him can be very frustrating to raise at times, we have got to calm ourselves down, calm him down, and teach skills that just come naturally to any other child.
The reason for this post: because it's not just the family's problem. We not only need to teach special needs children to be able to function in society, we also need to educate normally developing children how to function together with our kids. If you think it's not your responsibility then remember the days where social misfits were just cast away into an asylum or other institution. Although challenging, our special needs children do have talents and strengths that can contribute to a strong society and they really need to be considered a valued member of it.
7 comments:
Thank you so much for posting this information. Some people want to say they have ADD or ADHD real quick when that is not even the case. Jo'el has a very hard time being in big crowds like our trip to disneyland started out really rough, but he ended up having a great time. But we had to work with him and take our time with him adjusting to the crowds. When he first started sports he hated everyone yelling "go! go!" It was way to much for him to handle. Im so glad that he found Elijah to play with and hopefully become lifelong friends. And I hope the same for our families! Thank you
Rosie
Hey sis. Tayloi read youir blog every now and then. I had a question foxyroxychick05@yahoo.comfor you. Could you email me your phone numberr
I really do agree with the things you said. I feel it is everybody's responsibility to understand how others struggle to make connections. I like to teach my kids that all kids think and act differently, it is there job to act as they have been taught.
My only question is out of interest. If you are not able to discipline for a bad social behavior, what do you do? I don't think you can ignore it. Somehow it has to be addressed.
As far as Jo'el he gets disciplined just in a different way. We pull him aside and talk to him and then he will get punished in the way we see fit. We talk to him EVERYTIME something happens. We have to have patients as parents with him because it will happen 10-20 times in an hour playdate. Once other kids see how he acts they feed off of it call his name outloud to get him in trouble. I have seen this on many occasions. They all can be doing the same thing but once Jo'el does it then there is a problem. Its hard because all Jo'el wants to do is play with his friends but they dont want to play with him.
So the reason I ask is because I am frustrated with a couple of parents in our ward. Thier boys are VERY high functioning autistic boys, very nice. I don't believe they are bad kids, but socially they do struggle, I don't know how to decribe it. Anyways, it always happens that somehow or another Ryan does something to them. My Rayn is not a bad kid! He doesn't do things unless provoked. (I always play the skeptic too)The parent always approaches me with the attitude thier boys told them everything, and it is all Ryan's fault because he is the boy who knows better (thier boys are "different" is what I get). Well, I talk to Ryan and get a totally different story. The boy was hitting him (the pestering kind) so Ryan hit him back (which makes a lot more sense than Ryan kicking him for no reason at all). The boys will leave out what they have done, like normal kids, but the parent does nothing about what thier child just did. Ryan doesn't like playing with them, becaus he gets in trouble. I want my child to know there is a consequence when he makes a bad choice (like hitting a person back). These moms seem to look over that, I'm always told "they are different". It upsets me a lot. I don't think you can just over look a bad choice, you have to teach them what is appropriate, but I do believe there needs to be a consequence. When they get bigger, they're going to be surprised. All actions have a consequence, good or bad. That goes for any child. I don't mean to rant at you, if it sounds like that. I'm just looking for answers to understand better, and teach my boys. Thier solution is to not play with them, I don't like that solution at all. I want them to accept others, and get along with everyone.
Well said! It makes me see it differently. Sometimes, I just don't stop to think..so I will keep this in mind for future use with my kid(s) as they grow up. P.S. This could have been a great essay...you are an excellent writer!
Amen sista! There definitely is a lot involved. Thank heaven's Elijah has such a nice mommy and that he is such a fun guy! We do need to schedule some time together! When would you like to come over!?!
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